Stream of Consciousness Writing

In an effort to overcome writer's block I am going back to the basics, namely, stream of consciousness writing, which is to just write without editing until I run out of steam. Doing it online is a bit tricky because I have to take time to edit out things like adult content or swearing but I'll do my best.


Start
My mind is going in circles today. There is a lot of guilt thrown in there or 'shoulda, woulda, coulda' type stuff.  Like I should have figured out how to lose weight by now, or learned to live with being larger than I want to be.  My daughter posted an old photo of me doing a juggling show in my 20's and I have a stocky frame (and I've always hated that). Even if I had no body fat I don't think I'd like my appearance. And that gets in my way in ever so many ways. Like the 10 sewing patterns I bought yesterday to make new outfits, but I already know, before I even start that I will hate how they look on my frame. I will feel like a mountain.  Yes, I have tried for years to have a more positive view of myself, but that little girl inside me will always want to look like Cher or Madonna. Always. Even when I danced 4  hours a day in college level classes I didn't look like that!

But life is a gift and I should be thankful, right?

But I am grateful for many things. The clouds in the sky, the flies on my eye.  Why are the flies so bad right now? I was at Dollar Tree in Apple Valley, CA when  a customer asked where the fly swatters were. She said, "Sorry Sir, we are completely sold out." Well, I found mine when I got home under the kitchen counter so I cleaned it and I'm ready to use it on this little 'bleep' that keeps landing on my arm.

Meanwhile I'm surrounded by a sea of soda cans. Mountain Dew Code Red to be specific.  You know, the drink I keep trying to give up because it is bad for me?

I'm looking at a corset pattern because I really want to wear a corset to the hypnosis convention in Oct. But I've made them before and they can't seem to support my boobs no matter what boning I use, and now I'm getting that weird old lady thing where my torso is expanding under my boobs like Fred' Flintstone's Mother-in-Law.  You know the classic 'battle axe' shape. So I don't know how a corset is supposed to squish that in.  I could barely wear one before that happened.

I went to Frontier Days last Sat. and about died in the heat. Even in the shade it was sweltering with no breeze. I don't know how the Native American dancers, who had yarn fringe on their costumes, manage to dance without passing out. I'll add a photo. One little boy was in a fur wolf costume. But they seemed like a happy bunch. They had to pass the hat since no one sponsored their appearance. I felt bad about that too. This area is really bad about paying performers.

I was hoping to do face painting at the event in Apple Valley I went to last night, but all the face painters were teenage volunteers and all the profits were going to charity.  Does it make me a cruel bitch to want to make a living as a performer and an artist?  Volunteers take so much of our work away.  It is a huge  problem for the few of us out there who are trying to be professionals, whether it be clowning, or belly dancing, or playing in a band or whatever. There is also a sign at the face painting table that says something like: Caution, face painters have varying levels of skill and your art may not look anything like the photo. If you are unhappy please don't yell at our volunteers.'  What does that tell you about the quality of their work? I've never had to post a sign. And I've always stood behind my work.

I don't know what to talk about next. I'm happy autumn is coming.  I can't remember summers being this miserable but I probably have a selective memory. We have to build a bigger chicken coop and we have the supplies, but it's been too hot to work in the yard.  I'm hoping for a few cool days so we can make some serious progress.

I also just ordered 10 trees and 2 shrubs from a Arbor Day Foundation survey.  So I need to decide where all of those will go. I planted an ornamental  plum, 2 mulberries, a silver dollar tree, a pomegranate tree and an olive tree so far. I still have 4 trees in buckets that need to be planted a.s.a.p. The  pomegranate tree did well and had 2 fruits but one is already gone.  Somehow the wind blew a 5 gallon plant bucket next to it bottoms up and I think the chickens hopped up on it and ate the fruit. Either that or one of the wild birds (of which we have many) got it.

I washed some dishes today.  I'm tired from the concert last night and didn't do much else. I need to put those dishes away before my boyfriend gets home because he'll need the space to cook dinner.  We made some pasta salad so I think I'll go have that for lunch and try to clean up my sea of cans.

A Day of Thoughts

Do you ever wonder what a highly creative person thinks about all day? Here are some of the things that went through my mind today:

Remembering how wonderful and mysterious I used to feel when walking through swirling fog on my way to school in fifth and sixth grades.

After barely escaping a car collision by my instinctive evasive maneuvers I couldn't decide if I was lucky or attracting car accidents or making my guardian angel work overtime or if it just wasn't my time to go yet.

Getting a big kick out of finding the witchy Black Hat Society on Pinterest and realizing I'd much rather be in that than in the Red Hat Society.

Seeing a book on making primitive dolls (PRIMS) and then buying fabric and embroidery floss on the spot so I could start making her face. I named her Molly Pyewacket.

Buying super thick wooden yardsticks, not to use as measures, but to cut in pieces to use in a weaving loom.

Crocheting the center face part of a flower doll without any sort of pattern other than a photo on the Internet to go by.

Buying black cherry colored yarn because suddenly I need red accessories after seeing the Paddington Bear movie.

Finding the perfect acrylic frame to use as a mold for my gelatin printing (Gelli Printing).

Buying a set of mini stamps because they have a watch and gears and so I can use them for Steampunk resin jewelry.

Drawing a rooster and a doll on Didlr.

I'm sure I had a lot more thoughts, but alas, it is bedtime.

A Hole in the Sky

For The Joy of It

Last night as I tried to sleep I focused on things that bring me joy. So today I've continued my mental list and decided it is time to write it down.

Memories from childhood: playing jacks, learning Chinese jump rope, Cat's cradle, tiddly winks and caroms. Oh and marbles. To this day I still love marbles. Getting a blue two wheeler for my 7th birthday and riding it all over Sandia Air Force Base in New Mexico

Memories of homeschooling two girls: Dress up days as princesses or fairies and photo shoots.
Kite flying at the beach. Going to children's museums.  Science experiments with bubbles and leaves.
Learning to draw and paint. Lucky the rabbit.

The dogs: Lolly, Margo, Gypsy, Ginger and Boo-boo

The cats: Sylvester, Inky-Dinky, Harlequin, Puff, Tigger, Crispy Critters

Our first snow of winter came on New Year's Eve.

The Artist

It is rare that I have a dream that can be turned into a book or movie. This morning I had one of those. I dreamed I was in love with a handsome man who was older than me. I was about sixteen. Unfortunately, he was in love with my older sister and she was on drugs.  I went into the living room and they were having a fight. He caught her holding a big bottle of pills after she told him she had quit.  He grabbed the pills and set them on the end table. I was afraid they would wake up my father and he would come running in and find the pills too, so I grabbed the bottle when they weren't looking and hid it in the couch cushions. A while later I was sitting on the couch next to him.  I looked into his eyes and said, "You know I love you." And he sighed and said, "Yes I know."  Now I was the good sister who didn't do drugs.  And he chose her. My heart ached.

Fast forward to a night in an alley.  Somehow we were all working in an industrial area at night helping a restaurant pack things for shipping. And that handsome guy was there in the alley. So we were joking around and he turned and walked down the side of the building and I was following.  Then I stopped and walked away, expecting him to follow me back.  And I heard male footsteps, so I turned around and smiled, but it wasn't him at all.  Just a man who looked at me funny and turned and walked away. I yelled out, "Sorry I thought you were someone else." So I raced down the side of the building in the dark and 2 men are running towards me. They start to scale the wall. I hear more men coming.  I look at the man on the wall and he says, "What did you see." I yell back, "I didn't see anything."  He yells, "Get out of here." And I did.

Eventually I went around the other end of the industrial park and into the dark alley behind the buildings, searching for a place to hide if I had to. My love was nowhere to be found. I turned to go and a homeless guy walked by.  "Find anything?" he said.  "Nothing." I said.  "But good luck."

Years passed. I was still working in the industrial park.  Someone yelled out that someone at the job had something to give us, so my sister and I walked over. I thought the woman was holding two awards, but they were 3 dimensional books that came for us.  And they were the art of the guy we were both in love with. I was happy because it proved he was still alive. Somehow he'd made it big after that night he had disappeared.

Kind of a bitter sweet ending don't you think?

F.Z. Harper @2014

Wish I Would Get Well

I stayed home sick today. For most of the day I felt somewhat better, but now  my throat is so raw. I'm going to take something for the pain and swelling and then lay down and hope I can sleep at least a few hours.

I watched the movie Mermaid with Cher in an effort to take my mind off of things. I'd forgotten the plot so it was like watching it anew. My lover made sure I was well taken care of before he went to bed for the night. He made me tea with honey. He did what he could. Earlier we covered the chicken coop with a tarp and put things away that could be damaged by the rain that is expected. I did hear some wind gusts so I think things are picking up out there. Just hope the rain doesn't wake me up. I really need my sleep.

This was taken last Saturday before I got sick.

Calling It Quits Folks

Calling It Quits Folks

Stick a fork in me, I’m done.

After many years of blogging I’m calling it quits. I've done everything I know to build a following.

I follow a lot of blogs and they all have fans and readers that leave comments and participate and even buy things from them. I constantly promote the works of others, but there is no reciprocation.

After spending thousands of hours and taking thousands of photos the task has expanded to eat up large portions of my day. I have over 70 blogs, and 3 of them are daily blogs. I’m going to take all that time I used to spend blogging and use it on things like writing novels, sewing a new wardrobe, and making things to sell. I’m sure I can find something to do with all that time.

I’m leaving my blogs up, since I’m sure they’ll be useful to someone from time to time. And every now and then I may miss it and make a few new posts. I don’t think anyone will notice one way or the other if I blog or don’t blog. When all is said and done, I think it only mattered to me. 

Craft Shopping Spree

Sometimes it is hard for me to just let go and enjoy myself. Every time I buy ANYTHING I feel guilty and it sucks the fun out of it. It's a catch 22 where I need things to make art and feed my creative soul, and then I feel horribly guilty afterwards. I vacillate between these two extremes and it isn't fun at all. I do shop the sales through and that eases the guilt a little. I just sold a T-shirt I'd designed on Zazzle too and that helps.

You know my boyfriend's mom died unexpectedly and suddenly, so when I am teetering between buying something I want but don't need, I remember her. If I postpone pleasure day after day, year after  year, I may not get another chance to get those things while I'm still in sound mind and body to use them. So I've set myself up to feel bad when I do buy something and also to feel bad when I don't.

I don't wear crosses, I wear ankhs. And I rarely run across them in ordinary stores.
So when I saw this one for half off I had to get it.

Beads, thread and hook for a snood.

Eyes for a bunny I'm knitting.

I'd like to get back into making sock monkeys again, and this book has other sock animals and dolls too.
I couldn't resist.

If I'm going to get the book it only makes sense to get the socks.

Since I was going to be in the mall all day, I bought a sketchbook to come up with new embroidery designs.
I could have brought one from home, but I didn't think of that until I was away from home.

Weaving needles. I put off buying them the last 3 times I went to the store.
This time I just bought the stupid things.

I've been waiting a month for this yarn to go on sale so I could knit a sweater.
I had to get five of them and I'm still not sure that will be enough.

I'd shop a lot less if I wasn't multi-talented. Like if I only knitted. Or I only made jewelry. I envy my friends that only make one thing. I'm just not wired that way though.