My Body is On Vacation But My Mind Isn't

I don't know what's wrong with me.  I'm really antsy and frustrated.  I'm on vacation and I should be having fun, right?  I woke up on the wrong side of the bed I guess. I'm sore from my trip, sore from working yesterday.  I had a nightmare that I'd been kidnapped by four men.  They had me holed up in some little old lady's house that was full of antiques and cats. I couldn't even figure out why they kidnapped me because I wasn't worthy of ransom and didn't know any secrets worth telling.  When they would question me I started to get a nervous twitch. Then I woke up.

After that I got a bad back ache and a headache. I couldn't borrow a computer and that frustrated me. Then when I did get on to check my email I'd gotten my State Board of Equalization notice that yearly sales tax was due, and I know that's going to eat at me until I get home, even though I don't owe much (if anything) as sales have been terrible since the economy crashed.  I don't sell much merchandise anyway as most of my income comes from writing or performing or service related work. When I sell stuff on Etsy, it's never to someone in CA, so there is no CA sales tax due. But anything with the word 'tax' tied to it or 'government' tied to it raises my anxiety level.

I can't just seem to tune it all out and enjoy the beautiful oak trees and the blue jays in the trees.
I feel like the clock is ticking as I run out of money with no relief in site. 

Book 'The Road'

I just finished reading the Road, which won a Pulitzer Prize. It's prose bordering on poetry. Do not read it if you are currently depressed or suicidal.  Other than that, go for it. I don't want to do spoilers, but it is a must read.

There Once Was A Beautiful Yard

Today I was thinking of the value of writing random things. Then I was trying to figure out which of my blogs that would fit into. I suppose this is as good  a choice as any. My mind is all over the place today so maybe writing will help.

On Moving to Another State:  I've lived in CA since 1969. The thought of  leaving it because I can't afford to be here anymore makes me feel like it's yet another slide out of the lower middle class into abject poverty. And that makes me feel like a failure.  On the other hand, at this point, the change will give me a new perspective.  Maybe I'm too set in my ways.

On Having No Voice As A Renter:  Our apartment complex went into foreclosure and then got bought by a team of investors that want to fix it up and cash out in a month. Jolly for them.  My yard is ruined, the new color scheme sucks and since we both work from home, we are getting zero work done and our income is plummeting. We have painters and repairmen both inside and out with and without them letting us know they'll be here. It's stressful, harassing, and depressing.  We have no voice in the color, the yard, or the schedule. They ripped out all the plants I grew from seed or from pots over the last decade to put in a drought resistant garden which may be ripped out again when they sell in a month if the new owner has a different vision. It's pretty hard to love a garden that came from pots from a nursery in lieu of plants that came from my darling boyfriend's grandmother when she passed away and plants I grew from seed that were thriving before this happened. And right at the height of spring when everything was coming into bloom. Should I have pointed out that these nasturtiums, brown eyed susans and succulents are drought resistant and haven't been watered since last year except by the rain?

I have to live here 24/7.  What happened to my opinion on how my environment should look?

On Being an Artist:  I'm one grumpy witch when I can't make art. Art is my stress relief.  Creating things of beauty makes me feel there is still hope in the world for a brighter future. When I live in chaos, I can't create. I can't eat. I can't sleep. My productivity is nil. Instead of making new things I spend all my time trying to figure out how to get rid of 90% of what I own. How much can I give up without losing myself in the process?

The five photos below were taken in my 'private' backyard. Only the new owners don't see it as mine. All these plants will be ripped out sometime this week.

This is what my front yard looks like after they got their hands on it.  (See photos below). It makes me want to cry every time I look out the window. It's not like we saw this coming. I found out on a Wed. it was in foreclosure. On Thurs. I found out we had new owners.  A few days later the landscaping was gone.

The last flowers I planted for a veteran from TX who was going off to war.  I picked them one afternoon and the next day when I opened the front door all the plants were gone.

The front yard before:

Me in my front yard. The jasmine vine behind me had just started to bloom. Now it's dead.

It Would Have Been 31 Years

My youngest daughter and her dog Gabby

This year I suddenly realized that for once, when my wedding anniversary came and went, I didn't notice it. Then I realized, oh yeah, it's tomorrow. I was married 16 years, then I got divorced.  I always feel a little twinge of sorrow and sadness when what would have been my wedding anniversary rolls around.  I got married when I was 23, when life was full of hope and possibilities. I was soon blessed with 2 amazing daughters. I'd say the first 7 years of my marriage were fabulous, and then the slow demise downhill started. The reasons for splitting up were many and complex. But you can only struggle so long against a losing battle and still hang on to your soul.

My oldest daughter and her son.

Both of my daughters are married now. I wish them great success with that.

Keeping Goals Front and Center

Do you like to make goals? Do you have lots of lists? Do you remember from day to day just what your goals are? I thought I'd make a poster, and that way I'll keep my dreams at goals front and center in my mind. I used Adobe Photoshop, but use whatever version works for you.

Click on it to read the bigger version, unless your eyesight is better than mine is.

Build a Better Blog

The thing about blogging is you can always get better at it. I've changed so many things since I started to blog. And yet there is so much more to learn. And then social networking happened, which helped us all to reach a much larger audience. Most visitors don't comment so it's hard to get a feel for how many eyes see my words. A lot more than I may realize I bet. My friends has a blog and she's cute as a button. She gets so many comments and has so many sponsors. I'm guessing a good part of her income comes straight from blogging and affiliate ads. Just when I pat myself on the back for getting good at this, other people come along and pass me like I'm standing still, and she's one of them. I think every post she makes gets at least a dozen comments. It helps that she's drop dead gorgeous, but I think it also helps that her blog looks so appealing. Great big splashy pictures, a font that is big and easy to read, and buttons at the top to all kinds of social networking sites so you can share her posts. I don't even know how to build a page like that. I'm guessing she hired a professional website builder.

In the meantime I'll keep doing the best I can with my humble blogs.

New Social Networking Site Zurker is in Beta

I just joined a new social networking site called Zurker which is in a beta stage and by invite only. Consider yourself invited. http://www.zurker.com/i-11420-ujevsbgryc They are offering vshares to their members. If the site takes off, we get to share in the profits, and wouldn't that be nice. I'm not holding my breath but by joining now, I think what if this thing takes off like Facebook and I'll be in on the ground floor. Other than that I don't know much about it. I'm crossing my fingers and joining.