Getting a New Monitor Finally

My three hours at the library computer just flew by. I finally cracked and bought another computer monitor. My boyfriend was letting me share his, but what an enormous waste of time to have to wait every time I wanted to type something or edit photos or write an article.  Then he'd have to wait for me to use the Internet. So I found a sale online at Best Buy and spent my money. I've been trying to hold on to every dime, but realized I was being penny wise and pound foolish. If I can't work, I'm only making it harder and harder to earn money. My boyfriend had gotten used to the arrangement and didn't see why I'd need to get a monitor at all. So I know he will be mad even though it's my life, my career and my money. I can't just sit here and watch my life go by when I could be working each day on new articles and videos and blog posts that could lead to more work and income. I'll have to accept that he'll never understand that. I've worn myself out trying to convince him.


Here I am wearing a scarf I designed for a Youtube tutorial. I got paid to do it too. But I can't do this kind of work without access to a computer.

Intent, chatrooms and pointlessness

All day today I've been lapsing in and out of depression. Typical the commercialism of Christmas depresses me, but that's not what I want to talk about here. I want to talk about the power of intention. How our thoughts change our lives either for the better or for the worse. How once again for the millionth time I have to remind myself that negative thoughts lead to negative outcomes. But you can't just say 'now I'm going to be positive' and just do it anymore than you can tell a pot of boiling water 'now you are going to be an ice cube'. It's true they are both made of water, but some other processes have to be involved first. For one thing, it takes time. And it takes intent. You have to ask yourself why you are boiling the water in the first place if you are supposed to be making ice cubes. But that's how we are, doing one set of actions but expecting different end results.

I've been wasting a lot of time in chatrooms. Which isn't to say you can't meet interesting people and have some good conversations in chatrooms. But at least in the chatrooms where I've been there is a lot of down time when people are either not talking at all, not talking to me in particular, or talking about depressing things or topics I have no interest in. So for maybe 20 minutes of useful chatroom time spent, there may be 2 hours of time wasted. Or I bump into Paul for example, and Paul and I have had pretty much the same conversation the last 20 times we've talked. Do you know what I mean? It's just chit chat and goes nowhere.

And when I'm depressed the conversations go downhill. The person starts offering advice on how to fix my business, and they are all things I've tried twenty times before and I just end up more hopeless and helpless than ever.

I thought this blog was going to have some epiphany at the end, but so far I just feel more blah than ever.