Stream of Consciousness Writing

In an effort to overcome writer's block I am going back to the basics, namely, stream of consciousness writing, which is to just write without editing until I run out of steam. Doing it online is a bit tricky because I have to take time to edit out things like adult content or swearing but I'll do my best.


Start
My mind is going in circles today. There is a lot of guilt thrown in there or 'shoulda, woulda, coulda' type stuff.  Like I should have figured out how to lose weight by now, or learned to live with being larger than I want to be.  My daughter posted an old photo of me doing a juggling show in my 20's and I have a stocky frame (and I've always hated that). Even if I had no body fat I don't think I'd like my appearance. And that gets in my way in ever so many ways. Like the 10 sewing patterns I bought yesterday to make new outfits, but I already know, before I even start that I will hate how they look on my frame. I will feel like a mountain.  Yes, I have tried for years to have a more positive view of myself, but that little girl inside me will always want to look like Cher or Madonna. Always. Even when I danced 4  hours a day in college level classes I didn't look like that!

But life is a gift and I should be thankful, right?

But I am grateful for many things. The clouds in the sky, the flies on my eye.  Why are the flies so bad right now? I was at Dollar Tree in Apple Valley, CA when  a customer asked where the fly swatters were. She said, "Sorry Sir, we are completely sold out." Well, I found mine when I got home under the kitchen counter so I cleaned it and I'm ready to use it on this little 'bleep' that keeps landing on my arm.

Meanwhile I'm surrounded by a sea of soda cans. Mountain Dew Code Red to be specific.  You know, the drink I keep trying to give up because it is bad for me?

I'm looking at a corset pattern because I really want to wear a corset to the hypnosis convention in Oct. But I've made them before and they can't seem to support my boobs no matter what boning I use, and now I'm getting that weird old lady thing where my torso is expanding under my boobs like Fred' Flintstone's Mother-in-Law.  You know the classic 'battle axe' shape. So I don't know how a corset is supposed to squish that in.  I could barely wear one before that happened.

I went to Frontier Days last Sat. and about died in the heat. Even in the shade it was sweltering with no breeze. I don't know how the Native American dancers, who had yarn fringe on their costumes, manage to dance without passing out. I'll add a photo. One little boy was in a fur wolf costume. But they seemed like a happy bunch. They had to pass the hat since no one sponsored their appearance. I felt bad about that too. This area is really bad about paying performers.

I was hoping to do face painting at the event in Apple Valley I went to last night, but all the face painters were teenage volunteers and all the profits were going to charity.  Does it make me a cruel bitch to want to make a living as a performer and an artist?  Volunteers take so much of our work away.  It is a huge  problem for the few of us out there who are trying to be professionals, whether it be clowning, or belly dancing, or playing in a band or whatever. There is also a sign at the face painting table that says something like: Caution, face painters have varying levels of skill and your art may not look anything like the photo. If you are unhappy please don't yell at our volunteers.'  What does that tell you about the quality of their work? I've never had to post a sign. And I've always stood behind my work.

I don't know what to talk about next. I'm happy autumn is coming.  I can't remember summers being this miserable but I probably have a selective memory. We have to build a bigger chicken coop and we have the supplies, but it's been too hot to work in the yard.  I'm hoping for a few cool days so we can make some serious progress.

I also just ordered 10 trees and 2 shrubs from a Arbor Day Foundation survey.  So I need to decide where all of those will go. I planted an ornamental  plum, 2 mulberries, a silver dollar tree, a pomegranate tree and an olive tree so far. I still have 4 trees in buckets that need to be planted a.s.a.p. The  pomegranate tree did well and had 2 fruits but one is already gone.  Somehow the wind blew a 5 gallon plant bucket next to it bottoms up and I think the chickens hopped up on it and ate the fruit. Either that or one of the wild birds (of which we have many) got it.

I washed some dishes today.  I'm tired from the concert last night and didn't do much else. I need to put those dishes away before my boyfriend gets home because he'll need the space to cook dinner.  We made some pasta salad so I think I'll go have that for lunch and try to clean up my sea of cans.